I texted him at 9pm “This time 17 years ago you were 45 minutes old Love you so much!”

How does seventeen years go by in the blink of an eye?

How do you put the brakes on this growing up and becoming a man thing that is happening before your eyes?  How do you look up into the eyes of the baby that is taller than you and not want to press rewind to the days when he sat in your lap asking you to “read it gen, mama” or when he would fall asleep on your shoulder with a strand of your hair wrapped in his chubby hand so he would be instantly alerted when you tried to lay him in his crib?

I know that when you are in the throes of temper tantrums, runny noses and sleepless nights that it is hard to imagine ever wishing every.single.one of those days back again.  Believe me, I know!

But, you will.

The next time you think you just can’t answer one more question that begins with the word “why” or you are bent low, wiping up the milk that was spilled on your newly mopped floor or you are returning your strong willed four year old to the time out chair for the 15th time {that day}, know that you are doing a good job.  That while every parenting choice you make may not be the right one as long as you are doing your best and loving your best and just getting through the best you can, your child is soaking it all in.

And, one day when they are turning 17 and realizing their time under your roof is coming to an end sooner than you or they ever imagined they will say “You are the best mom” and they will mean it.

Cause those days you lost your temper or crawled into bed thinking “I can’t do this another day” or wished for the day they would be seventeen and not need you so much, that is not what your son will remember.

He will remember the days you played H-O-R-S-E with him instead of doing the dishes, the days that you kissed his sweaty forehead when he was sick, the days that you read that story for the 100th time.

And, you mama- you will remember it all. And wish it hadn’t gone by so stinkin’ fast.

This post is linked to Hope for the Weary Mom.

When you send your 3rd graders to school with a kiss and a lunch packed with love, you expect them to return home to you at the end of the day.

But sometimes they don’t.

When your 8th grader complains of pain in his hip, you expect to give him some ibuprofen and for it to get better.

But sometimes it won’t.

When God lays a dream on your heart, you expect for there to always be time to accomplish it, to dream with Him, to pursue all He has.

But sometimes there isn’t.

Tomorrow may not come for me, for you, for anyone.  All we have is today.

The riskiest thing about my God sized dreams would be to not pursue them.  Even if I just take a baby step towards those dreams each day, that is something. It counts.  It matters. Small steps add up to great distances.

I used to wear a pedometer to track how many steps I took each day. With a goal of 10,000 my lazy desiring to be healthier self knew I would only have to walk the remaining steps to reach my daily goal that I hadn’t managed throughout the day.  There are days when I took the stairs or chose the parking spot further away so I could add up those steps and not have to walk at all when I got home from work.  Did those steps matter less because I took them begrudgingly or to get out of steps later in the day?  Nope.  They still got me to my goal.  Every step counted, even the ones I enjoyed.  The steps to pick up my littles from school.  The steps to greet the hubby at the front door.

Every step counts.

The unspeakable tragedy in Oklahoma yesterday served as a brutal reminder that tomorrow may not come.  Friends, doesn’t that make the steps we take today matter so much more?

Yesterday a young man named Zach Sobiech passed away from osteosarcoma.  He was diagnosed with this terminal bone cancer in the 8th grade.  I leave you with the documentary made about his last days.  This boy knew that every step counts.  That we must live for today because, on this side of Heaven, today is what we have.

Love deeply, make others smile, follow your God- sized dreams.

May is Lupus Awareness Month.

I have systemic lupus erythmatosus {SLE or lupus for short}, diagnosed in October 2009.

I have friends that live with this disease as well.  Day in and day out, year after year lupus does not go away.

I don’t spend a lot of time focusing on lupus and the effect it has on my life but, at the same time, I am not embarrassed or ashamed of it.  I want to educate people about this insidious disease that needs a cure.  I am pulling back the curtain on this thorn in my flesh today to help raise awareness about this illness, one that affects more than 1.5 million people in the US alone and an estimated 5 million people around the world.

The Lupus Foundation of America gives a brief description of lupus:

“Lupus is a chronic, autoimmune disease that can damage any part of the body (skin, joints, and/or organs inside the body). Chronic means that the signs and symptoms tend to last longer than six weeks and often for many years. In lupus, something goes wrong with your immune system, which is the part of the body that fights off viruses, bacteria, and germs (“foreign invaders,” like the flu). Normally our immune system produces proteins called antibodies that protect the body from these invaders. Autoimmune means your immune system cannot tell the difference between these foreign invaders and your body’s healthy tissues (“auto” means “self”) and creates autoantibodies that attack and destroy healthy tissue. These autoantibodies cause inflammation, pain, and damage in various parts of the body.”

Lupus can attack almost every major system of the human body including the cardiovascular system, genitourinary system, central nervous system, GI system, and the skin.  Personally, my kidneys, bladder, liver, GI tract, optic nerves and skin have been attacked so far, not including the inflammation of my joints.

The symptoms of lupus include: {ones I have experienced or experience are in bold}

• Joint pain and stiffness, with or without swelling
• Muscle aches, pains, or weakness
• Fever with no known cause
• Feeling very tired
• Butterfly-shaped rash across the nose and cheeks
• Other skin rashes
• Unusual weight loss or weight gain
• Anemia (uh-NEE-me-uh) (too few red blood cells)
• Trouble thinking, memory problems, confusion
• Kidney problems with no known cause
• Chest pain when taking a deep breath
• Sun or light sensitivity
• Hair loss
• Purple or pale fingers or toes from cold or stress

Less common symptoms include:

• Blood clots
• Seizures
• Sores in the mouth or nose (usually painless)
• Severe headache
• Dizzy spells
• “Seeing things”, not able to judge reality
• Feeling sad
• Strokes
• Dry or irritated eyes

I have more doctors than many of the elderly patients I work with in the nursing home.  Every -ologist you can think of is needed to care for someone living with complications of SLE.  The two most important specialists I see are my rheumatologist {the specialty that treats lupus} and my hematologist {the doctor that specializes in treating blood clotting disorders}.

Here are 12 things I want you to know about living with Lupus:

1. Lupus can be fatal {and it almost killed me}.  Unlike many other autoimmune diseases, 15% of people diagnosed with SLE will die from complications of the disease {source}.  The complication that almost took my life? Pulmonary emboli {blood clots in my lungs}. One minute I was watching TV with my husband, the next I was unconscious and he was calling 911. I spent almost a week in the hospital on powerful blood thinning agents to rid my lungs of the clots and will be on a blood thinner known as Coumadin for the rest of my life.  Lupus is a serious illness and more needs to be discovered about what causes it so that a cure can one day be found.
2. There is no cure for lupus.  While there are treatments for the symptoms, there is currently no cure for this debilitating disease.  I take an anti-malarial medication called Plaquenil to keep the worst of my lupus symptoms at bay.  The anti-malarial medications decrease inflammation and interact in some scientific way to decrease the overactive immune antibodies that are attacking their host {me}.  All I know is my health has improved a lot since starting Plaquenil and I am thankful for scientists that figure out that medicines created for one purpose {fighting off malaria} can also be used to ward off the effects of another {in this case, SLE}.  When I am having a flare {a period of time where symptoms worsen significantly} I have also taken corticosteroids.  I detest the way steroids make me feel and using them long term can cause a myriad of health problems all their own but, at times, they help decrease inflammation and shorten the length of flares. Prednisone also makes me crave Dairy Queen and homicidal, just so you know.
3. Lupus hurts.  I am in a moderate level of pain most days.  The pain is severe during a flare.  Most of my pain is in my hands and feet, although an overall achiness does accompany a flare.  I’m also prone to headaches, which is also common with lupus.  On top of that, lupus causes damage to many different organs in the body.  One area that has been affected in me is my bladder.  I have frequent UTI’s {urinary tract infections} which aren’t comfortable. I also have lupus cystitis, which is a chronic inflammation of my bladder- also uncomfortable.  I am stubborn and will not take any pain medications that affect my cognition, primarily narcotics.  Because lupus has attacked my liver in the past, I am very limited in the amount of Tylenol I can take {two 500mg tablets a week} and ibuprofen isn’t an option because I am already on blood thinners.  I use heat, ice, rest, a TENS unit, baths and more rest to treat my pain.
4. Lupus doesn’t just affect me.  Yes, I live with chronic pain and fatigue.  Yes, I am sensitive to sunlight.  Yes, I deal with the impact of this illness on a daily basis.  But, so does my family and those that love me.  Over the past few years, my children and husband have watched me battle this illness. It has affected my mood, my ability to join in on activities I once enjoyed and with the almost dying incident, their sense of security that mom will always be there for them.  While they enjoyed getting to the front of the line at Disney World, I know they would trade those little perks to have their healthy mom back.
5. Mainly women develop lupus.  90% of people living with lupus are female.  A large majority of those women are not Caucasian.  For some reason, this disease favors women of color {although it didn’t discriminate when it chose me}. Many women that live with lupus report worsening of their symptoms the week before their menstrual cycle.  I hope that researchers continue to focus on this link.
6. Lupus makes me red in the face.  Literally.  I have a tell-tale sign of lupus on my face called a butterfly rash.  It is a red, raised rash across my cheeks and the bridge of my nose {and some on my forehead}.  Thankfully, make-up masks most of it but if you have ever noticed that I “look flushed” or asked me if I “got some sun”, you were likely noting my butterfly rash.
7. Lupus is expensive.  My husband and I have written off more than $35,000 in out of pocket {meaning we wrote the checks!} worth of medical expenses since 2007 {which was the year I started having strange symptoms and searching for a diagnosis}.  I am eternally grateful for health insurance and don’t even want to imagine the state of our finances if we didn’t have medical insurance.
8. Lupus can be depressing.  About 50% of people diagnosed with lupus will develop neuropsychiatric symptoms including depression. Myself included.  I don’t know if it’s because there is a link between depression and lupus or because living with the symptoms can be downright depressing, but I know that depression is just another part of my lupus puzzle.
9. There are things I wish you wouldn’t say to me about lupus.  I would rather not hear how your loved one died from complications of lupus {yes, that has been the reaction from some when told of my diagnosis}.  I would rather not hear how your friend was cured by a particular diet or supplement or that I just need to stay active to fend off flares.  Please trust that I have dependable, educated professionals invested in my health and I have researched treatment options extensively and am making the choices I am most comfortable with for my health and wellbeing.
10. There are things I don’t mind if you say to me about lupus.  Some people living with chronic illness don’t like to hear “but you don’t look sick”.  I actually take that sentiment as a compliment.  I work very hard to not “look sick” so it’s encouraging to me when someone notices.
11. I’m not always honest about how lupus is affecting me.  I’m going to be real with you, friends.  I am not going to answer your generic “How are you today” with an inventory of my symptoms and a map of where my pain is.  It’s not that I am trying to keep things from you or don’t want to be open about my condition but that I don’t want my relationships defined by my illness.  If I need to reschedule a dinner date, I trust you will understand.  If I decline to go on the camping trip, I pray you won’t be offended.  If I need your help, I have learned to ask for it.  I am incredible blessed by the people God has placed in my life.  I could tell you heartwarming stories of how my friends have been there for me in some of my most difficult health moments.  Those same friends will also tell you that they rarely know when I’m having a bad “lupie” day or struggling with a new symptom.  I will tell you if I need you to know but lupus will not come up in our daily conversation.  Which leads me to the last thing I want you to know….
12. I have lupus but lupus doesn’t have me.  I am a 34 year old woman who often feels like she has the body of an 85 year old.  But, my life is full! Full of joy, full of love, full of opportunity, full of faith, full of friends, full of life.  I will not and have not let lupus stop me from following my dreams, loving my family, cultivating friendships and most importantly, bringing glory to my God.  I live a life full of hope and gratitude despite the hard realities of living with lupus.

I hope this has been informative.  I also hope that you will join me in praying for a cure for SLE so that one day women across the world can live free of this disease.

Do you know someone with lupus?

•   As disgusted as I am with the recent Abercrombie and Fitch debacle, I also second this post-Why I Can’t #FitchtheHomeless
• “What if He doesn’t heal him, will he still be good then?”. Love this post at (in)courage.
• We are selling our home {cause we are moving to Florida} so this post about ways to make your home smell good was timely and informative.
• Grab your tissues and watch this video.
• Her life isn’t perfect and neither is mine and that’s ok. In fact, that’s what is perfect about life- the imperfections are where we learn the most and grow the most.
• Parenting boys has been such a special journey.  Kristen at We are THAT Family shares 10 Things Your Son Needs to Hear, written for her son on his birthday. Love the list.

What have you read this week that stuck in your heart?

They choose life.

We choose them. YoungLives offers unconditional love to teenage parents.

By coming alongside and accepting them wherever they are in their parenting journey, seeds of hope are planted.

YoungLives provides a Christian mentor for each mama in the program.  A been-there-done-that type of friend.  One that listens without passing judgment.  A friend that loves at all times.

YoungLives is about fun too! After all, these precious girls aren’t just moms.  They’re teenagers too!

I could tell you story after story of how God has reached down and touched hearts through this ministry in the last few years but I think I’ll let the pictures do the talking.

Lives changed.  Generations impacted.

All for Christ.

That’s what YoungLives is all about.

I have had the distinct privilege of serving with my local YoungLives ministry since 2009.  Because of the way Jesus found me, this ministry resonates deep in my heart.  These young women tend to be judged, cast aside and treated poorly in society.  They desperately need Christian women to come into their lives and see their potential, see who Jesus sees; rather than their past.  And, oh if you only knew the things most of these young ladies have been through.  If you have a few extra hours a month, I strongly encourage you to get involved in a teen mom ministry, like YoungLives.  You will NOT regret it!

If you have any questions about teen mom ministry or starting one in your area, please contact me at kmelissasmallwood@gmail.com or leave a comment.

What do you invest your time in that makes your heart smile?

this post is part of my God-sized dream journey with Holley Gerth.  This week’s assignment: Share about your favorite nonprofit organization. They are all God-sized dreams in action. How have they inspired you?

Maybe you stand in the greeting card aisle, putting cards back one by one because you can’t find one that says what you need it to.

There isn’t a Hallmark card that says “it’s okay. You did the best you could and I turned out just fine”, now is there?

Maybe it’s not that you don’t want to acknowledge the holiday or let your mom know that you love her, you just want a card that doesn’t feel dishonest and phony.  For those of you who have stood awkwardly in the greeting card section of the local supercenter, this post is for you.

Because some of us have mom shaped holes in our heart.  And there is no day that makes those places ache like Mother’s Day.

To be a mother is to put your child’s needs above your own.  Sometimes, for various reasons,  mothers are unable or unwilling to do that. And it leaves children with wounds, wounds that run deep and make them question their worth.

Maybe it was an addiction.  Or a relationship.  Or a career.  Or mental illness. Maybe it was because they had mother shaped holes in their own hearts but sometimes moms just can’t be there for their children like they should be.  And there is no Mother’s Day card for mother’s like that.

Even when you have reconciled that she did the best she could with what she had and desire to have whatever semblance of a relationship that you can, on Mother’s Day it can feel forced and fake.

Oh, friends.  Standing in the greeting card aisle is when you need Jesus.  Ask Him to shine His light in the dark recesses of your heart and show you the good.  Because there was good.  For every hurtful word, painful choice or moment that you needed her and she wasn’t there, there was also good.

If nothing else, she gave you life.

Maybe she also breastfed you, giving your tiny self her antibodies and making sure you had a healthy start.  Maybe she protected you from the temper of an abusive father.  Maybe she pushed you on the swings of the playground or kissed your knee when you skinned it trying to roller skate.  Maybe she braided your hair when it was wet so it would be curly in the morning.  Maybe she painted your toenails and let you use her make-up. Maybe she whispered “I love you” in your ear when she thought you were sleeping.   Maybe, just maybe, she loved you the very best she could.

The wonderful thing about the power of God’s love is that He can plaster those mom shaped holes in your heart with His healing touch.  And, when you have let those holes be plastered with His love, you will start to feel a mercy and grace for your mom that you weren’t able to before.  A love that sees past the hurt into her heart.  A heart that most likely has deep regret and guilt over the way she mothered you.

They may not make a greeting card for the kind of mom you had. But there is a God that can redeem that situation and relationship if you let Him.

This week has been an interesting one for me. Personally, our family made a huge announcement.  I won a giveaway that will help me attend the one conference I would give my left arm to attend!  God is opening doors for me and this God-sized dream of mine all over the place. I feel incredibly loved and blessed this week.

I still found time to steal and read some of my favorite sites and here are some of the posts I encourage you to read as well:

• Tricia Goyer is someone I admire.  We have a good bit in common- both teen moms, both adoptive moms, both work in ministry with teen moms and both are writers {albeit she is WAY more successful at it}.  She wrote a piece for Allume which talked about feeding creativity.  It was like receiving permission to be myself- loved it!
• This was a week where things I read were whispering what God has been whispering to my heart.  Taking time for myself and having deep desires and wishes is not selfish.  He wants good things for me too.  This post by Holley Gerth was one of the whispers.
• What Makes a Woman Feel Beautiful?  That is the question my friend, Brooke, wrote about this week and I love her answer.  Side note: Her post made me increasingly excited about the appointment I have with a photographer next Saturday!
• This video made this mighty mother tear up.  It is set to the words of Lisa-Jo Baker.
• I’m 34 and I feel the same way.
• I had no idea it was Teacher Appreciation Week until I read this genius from Jen Hatmaker.

As you can tell it was a good week for reading

Mike and I didn’t fight well in the first several years of our marriage.  We were both the oldest child in our respective families.  Combined with the overwhelming need to be right and coming from dysfunctional households, our arguments tended to get nasty very quickly. I was the main culprit with a cruel tongue and, at times, a vindictive nature.

When he and I both look back on those days we are amazed that we are still together.  In July we will celebrate our 16th wedding anniversary!  Praise the Lord.

Marriage counseling helped us tremendously.  We learned how to fight.  We were not taught NOT to fight.  Let’s face it- living with someone 24-7, 365 days a year is not possible without some friction.  We were taught HOW to fight.  How to express our differences of opinion, our needs, our desires and most of all our love for one another in a healthy manner.  While we will probably never have this mastered, our disagreements are calm compared to how we dealt with them in the past.

I recently received The Good Fight: How Conflict Can Bring You Closer
When I finished reading it I immediately thought “I wish I had read this book 16 years ago”.  My next thought was that I will be gifting it to newlyweds in years to come.  Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott are veteran marriage counselors and are married to each other.  They are also best selling authors of several books dealing with marriage.

The book includes their C.O.R.E principle, which relates to their recommended elements of a “good fight”.  Cooperation, ownership, respect and empathy are key to disagreeing in a way that allows the other person to hear your point without becoming defensive.  The book also includes topics such as:

• Why a “good fight” is the secret to a happy marriage
• Leveraging your personal fight types (this was a particularly interesting section to me.  Mike and I are similar in some ways but also very different. Our fighting types are very different and it was helpful to read about how the different types can successfully approach each other in an argument)
• Fighting through The Big Five- money, sex, work, parenting and housework
• The 7 rules of Fight Club

This book is filled with practical advice from a couple with 25 years of marriage and doctorate degrees under their belt.  I encourage you to check it out.

**This post contains affiliate links.

Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

Have you ever prayed for something for such a long time that you started to wonder if God was listening?

  The longer the wait, the shorter my faith.

Shame on me.

It was 17 years ago this spring that I had to make the incredibly difficult decision to stay put while my dad and brothers moved away.  I was a scared 17 year old girl, about to become a mama for the first time.  I didn’t want the type of life for my baby that I had grown up with.  Letting my little brothers go without me literally tore my heart out and took me years to get past.  Looking back, I know I made the right decision but a piece of my heart traveled with them and I have never gotten it back.

I have prayed and longed to live closer to my brothers.  Since my dad and I reunited in 2009, that desire has grown stronger.  And, I have prayed some more.

A few New Year’s ago, as the hubby and I had our annual retreat to write down our goals and dreams for the future, he agreed that when all the kids were gone we would move.

Then this year, knowing the longing in my heart and because God was stirring in his, he said “let’s just go”.  We thought that would mean moving in about a year and a half.  But, God!

On May 31st, we are officially beginning our new adventure.

Florida, here we come!  And, I can’t wait to share the story of how God is moving to get us there so fast! That is a post for another day

I will desperately miss my precious friends {who have become like family} in West Virginia.  I will be sad to say good bye to my co-workers and my YoungLives mama’s.  But, I am literally jumping up and down inside!

God has granted a desire of my heart.  I can’t wait to see what He has in store for us there.

This week has been full.  Full of joy, full of sorrow. I guess bittersweet is an appropriate adjective.  The following are posts that have touched my heart and I hope they will do the same for you:

• I have never read an article by this sweet Jesus girl that did not move my heart.  This is no exception.
• This post made me smile because my husband is my safe haven and for that I am so grateful.
• Even though I desperately want to win this giveaway and go to this amazing conference myself, I can’t NOT share it with you because it is that awesome!
• I related to this post as a young mama with kids born from other bellies and wondering how to parent an adult when you barely feel like one yourself.  I love how God uses the internet to help me feel not so alone.
• Not broken, just bent.  Love the title, love the post.

What did you read that stuck with you this week?