Giving Up On God {part two}

Read part one here.

Why was God letting this happen?  What did I do wrong?  This isn’t how it was supposed to be.

It didn’t take but a few days for my family and the authorities to find me when I ran away.  The family court judge deciding my fate took my “strong feelings” into account and allowed me to attend a boarding school close to my paternal grandparents rather than return to foster care.

That decision did improve my immediate circumstances. From the outside looking in, I had a good life.  Friends, good grades, acceptance to an elite academy, grandparents that loved me, material possessions– you name it, I had it.

But I also had a heart of stone.  A determination that no one would hurt me, a desire to manipulate before I could be manipulated.

An entry from my journal at the time put it this way:

Spiraling downward toward imminent destruction. Will anyone notice?  Will anyone care?  What they don’t know won’t hurt them, right? What does it matter…no one cares anyway.

The system might have found me in a few days but it would take God longer than a few days to get me back.

To be continued…

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