Meeting Needs

I remember those early days {translate years} of marriage.  Those years where I walked around wondering why Mike wasn’t working harder to make me happy, why he wasn’t meeting my needs and whine, whine, whine.

Do you notice how many me’s, I’s and my’s are in those questions?

As God has grown our marriage and grown us as individuals {not always a pretty process, by any means} we have learned a lot about our needs and meeting each others needs in the context of marriage.

Here are a few things God has revealed to me in our marriage:

  • 1+1+1=2: Anyone that knows me knows that math is not a strong suit but this equation is actually accurate when it comes to marriage and relationships.  Marriage is between two imperfect human beings.  Mistakes abound.  Cruel words are spoken {usually by me} and feelings are hurt.  But, the Bible says that “a cord of three strands is not quickly broken” Ecclesiastes 4:12.  Mike and I make a conscious decision everyday for Christ to be the third strand in our marital cord, just as God intended.  Having Christ in the center of your marriage is the ONLY way to create a lasting union.
  • Some of my needs can only be met by my Creator.  God designed marriage and it is a beautiful mirror of the relationship between Christ and the church.  BUT, God did not design marriage to meet our core needs….the need to be loved, the need to be validated, the need to be heard.  Those needs were placed in us to be met by God.  As Joyce Meyer says, there is a God shaped hole in our hearts that only He can fill.  When we look to our mate to fill those places and heal old wounds, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment and setting our mates up for failure {which is damaging to a male in so many ways}.
  • I am selfish.  It is our Adam nature to be focused on what we want and need and desire rather than on the needs and desires of the other person.  A dear friend reminded me that the relationship between Christ and the church is a sacrificial relationship.  And, that is what God compares marriage to.  I need to ask myself “what am I sacrificing for Mike today?”  What am I willing to lay down to demonstrate my love for him?  This outlook is counter-intuitive at times but makes such a difference in the temperature of a marriage.
  • Many things I think are needs aren’t. Do you ever become so focused on something that your hubby is NOT doing that you overlook all the good things he does?  I am guilty of this so often.  Making a list of the good is a great way to regain perspective.

What are your thoughts on needs and marriage?  I would love to hear.  You can also read more marriage posts over at To Love, Honor and Vacuum.


  1. Great post, Melissa! We do have to be careful about assiging the title of “needs” to things that aren’t really needs, don’t we?

    Especially since we’re so gosh darn selfish, anyway.

  2. I came over here from Breathing Grace. This is a great post. I wish I could go back to my newlywed self and have a nice heart to hear with her! So many lessons learned.

  3. Yes, we all need to remember to throw out our expectations. We need to remember that our spouse in not the enemy. Don’t worry about what your spouse is or isn’t doing and give 110% to him/her. And always pray together!!!

  4. so true!

  5. Muthering Heights says:

    It’s always best to focus on the positives…I always try to remember that my husband is probably biting his tongue about things that I am, or am NOT doing. It helps me to keep grace flowing liberally! 🙂

  6. great point!

  7. I am enjoying listening to u over at CWA blogtalk radio. I thank u for it organization tips. Take care lois

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