Having “the talk” with your spouse

Today we are talking sex over at Wifey Wednesday.  When I saw the topic I was tempted to skip it.  I mean, come on? Who really wants to talk about their sex life on their blog?  Not me, that is for sure.  But, I immediately felt prompted that there are things I can say about this topic that may be of help to women (and, in turn, their husband’s).  So, here goes.

I entered marriage with a lot of sexual baggage.  I had been molested as a child and promiscuous as a teen.  While it may seem counterintuitive that someone who has been promiscuous could have issues with sex, it is the truth.  I didn’t have an issue with meaningless physical relationships.  But making love, with someone I loved, was a WHOLE different story.

Just as God promises in Isaiah, He has bound up my wounds.  But, I still have scars.  There are certain things my husband understands I am just not comfortable with.  And that is okay.

There are things that trigger difficult memories for me that have nothing to do with sex.  And there are plenty of times that my husband and I make love that my abuse never enters my mind.  And that is okay.

In I Corinthians 7:4-5 Paul states:

The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband.  In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife.  Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.  Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

There are many ways people interpret these verses and I don’t want to get in to a theological debate.  I do want to simply point out that these verses do not say our bodies belong to our husband.  They say that our bodies belong to us AND our husband.

A healthy sex life (which we work to have in our marriage) comes through communication in and out of the bedroom.  I do think that it is important to understand that men need sex in different ways than women, and those ways are not just physical.  My sweet friend, Robin, wrote a wonderful (and convicting) post about this recently.

If you are struggling in this area there are some important things that you can do to help the situation.  One of those things is to talk with your spouse.  Here are some things you may want to discuss:

  • Where you are emotionally.  If you have scars or unhealed wounds from childhood sexual abuse, it is okay to talk to your husband about this.  Speak to a professional and get help to heal those wounds. 
  • Where you are relationally.  Sometimes, we as women, don’t feel in the mood because our dear husbands are not paying attention to the other aspects of our relationship.  This is one area where the book, The Five Love Languages, really helped our relationship.  Mike discovered what makes me feel loved.  He also discovered that when I feel loved I am more inclined to feel loving.
  • Where you are spiritually.  The enemy is aware that a strong couple,a strong marriage is a threat to his kingdom.  If you are not grafted to the Vine, all areas of your life will suffer including your marriage.  Sex is something I pray about.  God has provided me with the desire for my husband when it was otherwise not there.  He is faithful in all things.  Don’t be embarrassed to take sexual issues to your Heavenly Father.  He did create sex for our enjoyment (if Song of Songs is any indication).
  • Where you are physically.  If you are depressed, your sex drive may be non existant.  Be willing to talk to a health care professional for the health of your marriage.  I live with chronic illness and my husband is very patient and respectful of those times that I just don’t have the energy or I am in too much pain to be touched.  I think that understanding comes out of his love for me but also because I don’t play the illness card unless I really need to.
  • Where you are mentally.  Our society is hyper-sexualized.  Sometimes I just get disgusted with sex because of the images I see on TV.  Other times we can fall into the trap of wanting a false reality like we see portrayed in the movies and on television.  You and your spouse need to be honest with each other about your needs and your expectations.

God created us for relationship.  One of the most important components of relationships is healthy communication.  So, sit down soon and have the talk with your husband.  I promise you it will improve your relationship, inside and out of the bedroom.

3 Responses to Having “the talk” with your spouse

  1. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Melissa Smallwood. Melissa Smallwood said: The one where I talk about, well- you know…that http://bit.ly/cCwpzG [...]

  2. janleymd says:

    I was part of a Bible Study for ladies years ago on Intimate Issues. It was an entire group study about Sex. It was awesome and mind-opening when we learn God's design for sex instead of the world's interpretation. One interesting concept I still remember is prayer beforehand.
    Thanks for opening yourself once again!

  3. heme3 says:

    We do talk about this often. I do believe communication is the best thing for any relationship.

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