Fatigue, Frustration and Faith

Sleeping Giant
Image by kriscip via Flickr

I am tired.

The kind of tired that you feel in your bone marrow.  The kind of tired that no one understands if they do not have chronic illness.  The kind of tired that isn’t phased by a three hour nap.

I have a tendency to push myself.  Goes back to the whole recovering Type A, over achieving, perfection seeking sinner that I am in the flesh.  Frustration creeps in, its sneaky, sticky fingers wrapping around my thoughts.

All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you.  My heart pounds, my strength fails me; even the light has gone from my eyes. {Psalm 38:9-10}

Hot tears of irritation burn my eyes.  I don’t want to be so tired. I don’t want to be sick.  I don’t want to live like this.

Not because I feel like I deserve better. Not because I think it’s unfair. But because I could do and accomplish and help so much more if…

And, I come full circle in this cycle of fatigue, frustration and faith.

For here is the truth:

My desire to “do” for God is unnecessary.  A burden I place on myself.  For what God wants is me.  And, time and time again I prove that the only way to reach me is to slow me down.  So He does.  And, eventually I yield to His desire for me to just be.

Not do.  Not accomplish.  Not help.

Just be.

Be still and know that I am God. {Psalm 46:10}

Today, I am unwrapping the gift that is multiple sclerosis and systemic lupus.  The gift of chronic fatigue that forces allows me moments to just be with my God.

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  1. janice5minutesformom says:

    AMEN!!! As a chronic illness sufferer I know exactly how you feel. I had years of being bedridden in my late teens and early twenties. And that is exactly what I learned — that it is not what we DO but who we ARE that matters to God. And for a time that meant I needed to be still and rejoice in His mercy and salvation.

  2. we talked last night in small group, about how we feel like we have so much “doing” to do in order to feel like we're in right standing before the Lord. thank God Jesus has already given us that right standing. i hope you feel better. so sorry.

  3. I have the hardest time being still. Thanks for reminding me I only need to be me.

  4. I have a chronic illness as well (rheumatoid arthritis). Sometimes I have to ask God to show me how I can glorify Him *through* the illness instead of *in spite* of it. A missionary spoke at our church a couple years ago; she is an older lady who has dedicated her life to serving the Navahos in the southwest. She has a lot of health problems; and she mentioned that she often has nights where she is in so much pain that she can't sleep. And she said that she takes that as God prompting her to pray for others. She's my hero. 🙂

  5. I cannot relate to all you face but I do find great wisdom in what you have written. Letting go of perfectionism and “doing” … trusting that these trials are for our good, that His strength is perfected in our weakness … so much. Thank you, Melissa, for sharing. Love you, my friend!

  6. MomTriedIt says:

    That is a great post. I hope you enjoy the time He has for you. 🙂 You push yourself pretty hard sometimes. Isn't it funny how He makes us listen to Him?

  7. mirandakay says:

    I can really relate. Lately I've been having trouble sleeping and that can wreck havoc on my health in a hurry. I have thought before that I could do much more for God if I was healthy. I would get very discouraged. I try to remind myself now that maybe I can reach more people for God through my illness. I like the saying “We are human beings, not human doings.”

  8. SimplifiedSaving says:

    That post is the echo of my heart so often. Right now I'm supposed to be posting to my blog, but I am so tired I couldn't come up with a single worthwhile (or lucid) thought to put in a blog post. Somehow I ended up reading your blog and I'm so glad I did…this was exactly the encouragement I needed. Thanks! Now I'm going to bed! And I'm not going to worry about the fact that my blog posting hasn't been what it should be the past few days!

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