No Fear?

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his (her) life? Matthew 6:27
I really had my heart set on going to the hematologist (fancy word for blood specialist) and being told why I developed and almost died from a blood clot, where the blood clot came from, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, how to avoid developing another such blood clot. Doesn’t seem like too much to ask, right?
—First of all, I must digress from the main point of my post (stay tuned though- it is profound). Who grows up saying “When I grow up I am going to be a blood doctor?”. Are you part Dracula or something? Gross~ but then again there are people that grow up to be proctologists, urologists, gynecologists, podiatrists and psychiatrists. Who am I to judge? I couldn’t even stomach being a dentist- yuck! Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for physicians but I just can’t relate to the desire to spend my life specializing in the disgusting (although there are days that parenting boys most definitely fits that description).—
Anyway, back to my original thought. I feel like I wasted a co-pay today. I was told the same things the doctors in the hospital told me and my family doctor has been telling me ever since. They don’t know why I developed a blood clot, I am incredibly lucky (I consider it being highly favored by my Heavenly Father) that I survived the ordeal and that I will take blood thinners for at least six months. So, I have prayed and asked God to reveal to me what I supposed to be learning.
I don’t like any of the doctor’s explanations. Here is the problem (warning- big confession coming). I am human. My flesh worries. My husband’s flesh is darn near smothering me with worry. My kids worry. When something so unexpected and traumatic occurs our flesh wants to figure it out so that we can control any variables that contributed to the problem and avoid a recurrence. This is my personality, devoid of trauma. I like to control, well everything. For crying out loud, I made my tween boys dress alike for our church directory pictures this month. Add a near death experience and my insides are so twisted with the worst case scenarios, it is a wonder my head has not exploded. I would like to be able to say, with certainty, that my husband is not going to need to call 911 again anytime soon (at least until I know the fire department has recruited some people old enough to vote and drink). I want to know the future- ahhh, there’s the problem. I want to be a god. And it is moments like this- asking God something He has already answered and I have just forgotten, that I am so thankful He is a patient and loving God that doesn’t give up on us.
Didn’t I learn anything from this experience? That the God of the universe, who has counted the hairs on my head and knit me together in my mother’s womb, has got it under His control. Which is so much more comforting than my pathetic attempts to figure everything out. Does it really make a difference why this happened (from a medical standpoint)? No, it matters whether or not I have learned from the experience what God wants me to see.
I surrender this worry and concern to my Savior, again. To the one that showed me that He wasn’t finished with me yet and that is why I am still on this earth. He doesn’t want me wasting time worrying about when my time will come. His desire is for me to use whatever time I have here furthering His purpose for me. Sharing my story, sharing His mercy, grace, compassion and salvation. Bearing witness to His unfailing love.
So, I am laying my worry, my questions, my qualms at the foot of the cross. I wish I could handcuff them there so I won’t take them back again. I pray for the strength to focus on the things I should be thinking of:
…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- Philippians 4:8
those are the things I pray the Holy Spirit fills my mind and spirit with to replace any fear and anxiety that tries to make it’s way in. If any of you are in need of peace or clarity of thought- my prayer is the same for you.

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